Forgiveness
Forgiveness & Massage Empathy
Massage Empathy
To effectively practice massage empathy, we must possess the ability to offer forgiveness. If our insides are tied into knots, we will never have enough order in our lives to think through our challenges.
Anger serves as a speed bump to forgiveness. It is a tether anchoring our attention to the perceived injustices committed upon us. If our leg is shackled to a ball and chain, we will never escape our prison of pain. Let go of the anger that does not serve you. Anger is a tool meant to help navigate and right a wrong. It is a fuel source, not a weapon to be used in vengeance. Poorly managed anger leads to a life of chaos, and chaos causes pain.
Anger arises from hurt, betrayal, and perceived injustice. It is a reactionary experience that, if uncontrolled, leads to suffering and harm. Forgiveness is a deliberate and intentional act. It is the process of consciously working through feelings of anger to achieve a state of peace and ease. Forgiveness fosters a life of compassion and kindness, qualities that are essential in the practice of massage therapy.
The life we live influences the massages we perform. If we have the discipline to be kind and patient throughout the day, it helps us create an empathetic space. This is important because it helps us manage transference and prevent countertransference during a massage.
- Transference is when a client projects their feelings, attitudes, or desires onto the massage therapist. These projections can be an unconscious reaction unrelated to the therapist’s personality or behavior. This may result in the client’s discomfort, increased risk of the therapist’s boundaries being violated, or unrealistic expectations.
- Countertransference occurs when the therapist projects their own feelings, biases, or unresolved issues onto the client, often in response to the client’s behavior or transference. This may affect the quality of a massage by causing a therapist to become too involved or detached.
Practicing Forgiveness
Developing our ability to offer forgiveness throughout our daily lives requires reflection. We must look back at our prior experiences to empathize with those we had anger toward. These people must be witnessed with honest eyes and a humble mind. Just like you, they are bumbling through life for the first time, have darkness in their heart, and believe they are the main character of the story of life.
A practice I do when reflecting on the past is to ask how I contributed to the problem. I attempt to take responsibility for how my feelings affected the outcome of the circumstance, and accept that I am not a perfect being with all the answers.
For example, I am reminded of a time in my life when I was full of a lot of anger. I was in a state of constant, intolerable pain. My lung had been removed, I had cancer, and I just finished chemotherapy…
Ernest and I
Chatting the lazy morning away, I sat beside my acquaintance Ernest, drinking coffee beside a cobblestone road outside my favorite coffee shop. Ernest was a tall man with a lean, healthy build and a strong, chiseled face. His shaved head glimmered against the sun’s rays as he sipped his beverage. He was a passionate man who lived with purpose and a desire to achieve something significant with his life.
Little birds scurried along, hopping from place to place, hoping a few crumbs would fall their way. Fluffy clouds crawled across the sky, sometimes shifting to allow sunlight to create dreamy scenes on the street.
I looked over at Ernest. He was staring into the distance, seemingly bored and irritated yet enthusiastic. Turning his head toward me, his neck muscles contracted sharply like they were tense and taut. With a half glance, he asked me a question. “What did you think about the book I suggested?”
Watching the steam rise from my coffee, I placed my palm over the cup. The sensation of the heat against my skin felt soothing. I turned to speak to Ernest. “Oh yeah, the Mind over Matter, You Are the Placebo book? It was boring with very little substance.”
He crossed his arms and clenched his jaw. Blood flushed into his face as he furrowed his brow. His chest rose with a long, deep breath.
“It was like four hundred pages of pseudoscience garbage. I get what the intent of the book is, but it’s the kind of message that can lead seriously ill people astray.” I continued.
Ernest shifted in his seat, crossed his arms, and shook his head. “I can’t f’ing stand people like you. How can you just discount and dismiss what you read?”
My eyebrow raised, I sipped my coffee and looked at the flowing river in the distance. After a few minutes, Ernest’s grimace faded, and he uncrossed his arms.
“You know, I could’ve charged you when we first met?” He bent his lips into a half grin and tilted his head to the side. “But I value our time too much, so I didn’t… and I know you need our meetings.”
I shrugged and took a sip of my coffee. “I wouldn’t have hired you, so it wouldn’t have mattered.”
His half-grin curled into a complete, fake smile. I could see the muscles of his jaw stiffen and his eyes narrow.
“I’m sorry… I don’t pay people to be my friend.” I said, holding my hands on the sides of my warm mug.
Ernest stretched out his legs and sat back in his chair. He pressed his lips together, slowly causing his smile to disappear. “So, what’s up, how are things?”
“Eh, pretty rough, recovering from chemotherapy has been slow and hard.” I ran my hand over my bald scalp and shrugged.
“You know, the only reason you haven’t recovered is because you choose to stay sick, right?” He gave the kind of look that said, ‘You know I’m right.’
“Excuse me?” I glared at him.
“You’re choosing to be sick. As soon as you want to get better, you will.” He paused for a moment. “That’s what Joe Dispenza is talking about, right? This is all mind over matter.”
“That’s not how it works, that’s not how chemotherapy or cancer works.”
“That is how it works; if you tell your cells what to do, they heal. If you choose to be sick, you stay sick. You have chosen to stay sick. Right? It is your decision; all of this is your decision. You’ve chosen to stay sick, just like you chose to get cancer.” He paused, but for long enough for me to respond.
“I only get sick when I want to. I’ve been telling my wife and daughter this for a long time. To prove it, I told my wife I was choosing to get sick, and I got sick. She used to have headaches all the time, now I’ve taught her how to choose not to have them, and she doesn’t get them anymore. My daughter doesn’t listen, though; she’s stuck like you and won’t accept she is in control of her health.” Ernest smiled from ear to ear, and his eyes widened with excitement.
He pointed at me. “You are the placebo; if you want it hard enough, you can have anything you want.” He glanced at his phone. “I have an appointment, give me a hug, brother, I’ll see you next week.” He quickly rose from his seat and darted down the street.
My Modern Reflection
This was the last interaction I had with Ernest, because the conversation made me so angry. I thought he was such a jerk at the time, but we were both jerks to each other.
He was trying to share something important to him with me, and I dismissed it. I could have shown him a lot more kindness; I didn’t need to be so abrasive. At the same time, he didn’t have to respond in the way he did. Ultimately, we were both responsible for the negativity in that conversation.
If we had both come from a place of peace, kindness, and humility, the conversation would have been enriching. We might not have agreed, but sharing the same opinions on everything is not a requirement of friendship.
Forgiveness Helps Us Process Information
Our reactions to each other were influenced by how we both lived our lives. If we were living in the practice of being empathetic, having humility, and offering forgiveness, this interaction would have been handled differently. We could have grown from it, instead of sowing the seeds of anger and resentment.
Everything we do in life influences everything else. When we actively seek out ways to give goodness for the sake of goodness, it enriches every other aspect of our lives. This is why massage therapists must strive for peace and order.
- When we offer empathy outside of the treatment room, it helps us offer empathy within it.
- When we strive to live humbly in our daily lives, it helps us remain humble when interacting with our clients.
- When we explore our imagination away from work, it helps us be more creative when performing a massage.
Forgiveness is hampered by our anger. Empathy is restricted by our ability to forgive. If we are outraged by someone, it becomes exceedingly difficult to see the world through their eyes or find common ground.
When a massage therapist is skilled in offering forgiveness, it improves the brain functions responsible for perspective-taking and reframing negative emotions (Ricciardi et al., 2013). As a result, it could help a therapist recognize and resolve unconscious projections before acting on them.
Forgiveness is not Forgetfulness
Due to my relationship with God and the lessons learned from my fourth greatest blessing, forgiveness has become far easier to offer. Throughout my life, I have forgiven many circumstances and people. I have found that life is more peaceful when you can forgive.
Forgiveness is not forgetfulness. When you forgive someone, it doesn’t mean you must invite them back into your life. You can move on without wallowing in the woe, you can move beyond the hurt of those moments, and live with hope and joy.
Forgiveness Will Help Guide You Toward Peace
If your heart is crying, how can you expect to help someone see the brilliant light of life? If all you know is woe, how can you expect to help someone feel delightful? If your soul is soaked with anger and pain, how can you guide someone to achieve their wellness goals?
Find ways to offer forgiveness every day. Give goodness for the sake of giving goodness. Take a breath and breathe, and search for ways to live in peace.
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