How to let go of Resentment

Written by Shawn White, LMT

How do we let go of resentment? The best way is to offer forgiveness. We need to empathize with those who have wronged us, take the time to see the world through their eyes, and ask ourselves how we are contributing to our own suffering.

Sometimes, we are victims of circumstances outside of our control. There will be times when there is no rhyme or reason behind the actions of someone who harmed us. There is selfishness, evil, and madness in our world. As odd as it may seem, some people have the Joker’s personality. They thrive on watching others suffer, and their greatest pleasure would be to watch the world burn. How do we let go of resentment toward these people? With humility. Everyone has wickedness within their heart. You, I, and everyone else who has ever existed have the capacity to cause hurt. Truly, those who believe they can’t hurt anyone have the greatest likelihood of hurting everyone.

The Massage Inquisitor

Something I often say to new massage therapists is that they first need to know that they can hurt someone before they can help anyone. In a sense, you must realize that through touch, you could be a Spanish inquisitor.

A massage therapist who is an inquisitor wants to solve a problem, but lacks kindness. They are a sadist in a sense because they derive joy from the discomfort of others, even though they are trying to help. It is a complicated concept, because they are a half measure of malice and cruelty. I have found that there are two kinds of massage inquisitors. Both of whom seek to help alleviate people’s pain, but their emotional responses to a client’s discomfort differ.

• Indifferent Inquisitors: This refers to individuals who lack concern or empathy. When a client says ‘ouch,’ they tend to ignore the feedback and continue with what they were doing. They do not derive pleasure from their client’s pain; instead, the ends justify the means. If they believe discomfort will lead to comfort, then it will be utilized. Although the therapist does not derive pleasure from the client’s immediate response, they tend to gain an ego-boost after the session.
• Cruel Inquisitors: This is someone who gains emotional satisfaction from watching someone squirm. It tickles the cockles of their heart when a client writhes through the discomfort of their touch. It is important to note that this is not pure sadism. They are not merely inflicting pain for the sake of it; their intention is to encourage lasting pain relief.

How do we avoid becoming an inquisitor? Massage empathy teaches us that the way we live our lives influences the effectiveness of our treatment sessions. We cannot expect to be benevolent if we are malevolent in our day-to-day. If we want to offer someone the kindness they need in a massage, we must be offering kindness to strangers, friends, and family.

As adults, kindness is a developed trait because we must work against our inherent selfishness and self-obsession. In life, the low road is easier to walk, because it is absent of integrity and goodwill. To walk the moral high road requires work and discipline; the more we do it, the more it prepares us to do the right thing in moments of duress and hardship. Consistently doing the right thing requires a lifetime investment.

Kindness is not a byproduct of doing the right thing, but it does help. When we actively strive to live with order, act honorably, and seek to do what is right, it strengthens our spiritual core. Consistently taking the high road is akin to walking up a mountain. If we regularly use our muscles to walk uphill, it trains us for steeper slopes. Conversely, if we always take the low road, we will be unprepared for even the simplest moral conundrums. We may even be incapable of understanding or applying kindness to our lives.

When we walk the high road, offer compassion, attempt to be good to others, filter people’s words through the lens of love, and have a generous spirit, the more prominent our kindness will become. As a result, our kind heart will help us empathize with others, opening the door for us to forgive and let go of resentment.

Resentment Hinders The Care We Offer Others

Resentment hinders our ability to forgive because our hearts are filled with anger and rage. To overcome this, we need to reflect on the past, put each memory in its proper place, and move forward. This requires discipline, honesty, and integrity.

• We need to determine our role in each circumstance that we believe was beyond our control.
• We need to empathize with the people who are making us angry, so we may see their humanity.
• We need to pray and ask God to show the person who hurt us His eternal love and grace, so that they may serve in righteous ways.

Letting go of resentment requires a lot of love and faith. We must have the patience to be kind to ourselves and others. This is because we should treat others as we would like to be treated. If we aren’t taking care of ourselves, it sets a bad standard for others to follow. If we don’t know how we want to be cared for, how will we ever know how to care for others?   

A Journey Of Resentment

Rather than discussing forgiveness and resentment in the abstract, I would like to share a real-life example of how I have overcome resentment in my own life.

When I was going to massage school, I was diagnosed with cancer. A month after graduating, my right lung was removed. The surgery was horrific, and the pain was maddening. After the surgery, I was sent to the ICU and remained there until my pain levels were manageable. It took two weeks.

After leaving the hospital, I was a wreck. I was having trouble eating, bathing, and performing simple tasks, so I stayed with a close friend until I was able to take care of myself. She was quite the angel, and I am eternally grateful for what she did for me.

While staying with my friend, a buddy of mine, Ino, moved back into town. It was uplifting to visit with him, as he was one of my oldest friends (over twenty years). During one of our conversations, he mentioned that he was looking for a job so that he could stay in St. Louis. I knew a friend who was hiring, so I put in a good word, and he got the job.

Within the first week of assuming his position, he purchased a brand-new sports car. He came over to show it off. It was a beautiful vehicle, but I thought it was unwise to buy a car before knowing if the job would work out.    

A few days later, I went to see my thoracic surgeon to talk about the results of the surgery. It had been several weeks, and I thought no news was good news. I was wrong. At the appointment, I learned the tumor in my right lung was the size of a softball, and it had metastasized into my lymphatic system. His advice was to get chemotherapy. This was heartbreaking because it was the worst news I could have received.

My thoracic surgeon referred me to an oncologist, so I went to see him. The visit with the oncologist seemed hopeful because he was excited about treating me. I asked him a series of direct and important questions.

• Are there any other options outside of chemotherapy?
• Are there any research trials?
• Is there any research about my cancer?  

His answer was no, no, no. Then I asked him what would happen if I did not do chemotherapy. In a roundabout way, he inferred I would die. I didn’t want to die, especially after enduring the maddening agony of having my lung removed, so I acquiesced to his insistence.

After my appointment, I shared the information with those I was close to. When I told Ino, he advised me that I needed someone to take care of me during chemotherapy. He insisted that if I lived alone, I would die.

This terrified me. I just survived the removal of my lung, and I panicked. I wasn’t about to endure that hell just to die because I didn’t have someone living with me. Frantically I tried to find someone to be my caretaker on short notice. I found no one, and no one suggested I seek a professional caregiver for support.

That is when Ino offered to move in with me, to help me take care of myself. The agreement we came to was that he would help me through chemotherapy, and he could stay at my house and eat for free. He would prepare the meals, but I would pay for them. Taking care of me included keeping the house clean, including the cat litter box, and driving me places. With a heart filled with fear, I eagerly agreed.

Chemotherapy

Chemotherapy was a grueling process. My days started early and ended late. It was a lonely time of fear and pain, and I can remember the horror of the experience to this day.

The nature of hardship is that our challenges never exist in isolation. There are always cofactors involved that increase the difficulty of the experience. When I started chemotherapy, I thought I had a friend in my corner who could help me through the hard times. Someone who could pick up the slack so I could heal enough to one day take my own life back.

After my first round of chemotherapy, it took about three days for the misery to reach me. Once the horror of the experience kicked in, there was no escaping it. For fifteen straight days, I was bedridden and in absolute pain. Aside from getting up to use the restroom or attempt to eat, I remained in bed for over two weeks.

The Horror

As I lay in bed, I could hear my cat incessantly meowing and slapping his soft white paws against my bedroom door. In the living room, Ino’s loud cell phone furiously clicked as he texted. Obnoxious notifications blasted through the house every minute. Beside me was a partially filled bucket of vomit. My head ached, and my stomach spun. I was so tired; the chemotherapy drained away every ounce of vitality within me. Ropes of exhaustion tightly twisted around my bones, and it felt like my muscles were tearing away from my body when I moved.

On my side, I felt a stab, like the sensation of a searing hot knife slicing through my flesh. Around that pain was nothing, an absence of feeling, like pins and needles. It felt like my back was wrapped in a blanket of numbness. The only thing I could feel in that area was the pressure of my scapula pushing against my muscle from the inside. My chest felt like my hair was being pulled from the inside.  My skin stung, and my hair ached.  There was a roving pain in my flesh, it hurt and throbbed like a chemical fire.

It was hard to breathe, even more than usual. My coughing made my chest muscles scream. I had a weight on my sternum and liquid under it.  My lung felt swollen and engorged, fat and bloated.  I would cough, then retch.

I rolled out from under the covers and placed my feet on the floor. My toes were numb like rubber, and my joints hurt as I stood. The muscles of my legs felt like they were filled with glue as they moved. Slowly, I ambled into the living room.

Though the air purifiers roared, they were overcome by the stench that permeated the house. It was a rotten, fetid smell, soaking everything with the smell of death. The garbage can was filled to the floor with waste, and the kitchen sink was a mountain of dishes. A cloud of flies hovered and flew, and the sour smell of cat feces was thick.

It had been weeks since I was able to convince my caretaker, Ino, to clean the cat litter box, to do the dishes, or to clean the house. I looked over at him as I passed to enter the kitchen. He sat, staring down, clicking his fingers against the shiny screen of his phone.

Standing in the center of the kitchen, I looked around at the chaos. I turned toward Ino and asked him if he would help me do the dishes. Without skipping a beat, he said he couldn’t help me because doing the dishes gave him flashbacks.

I had enough, I couldn’t live in this hell. With my body in agony, I did the dishes, I cleaned the house, and he sat and watched as I did his job around him.

Resentment Is Born

The agony of chemotherapy is more than just physical pain or all of your hair falling out. It erases who you are, breaks your spirit, and steals away your life. There is a phenomenon known as “chemo brain,” and it is a very real condition. It causes you to forget, lose track of time, and think with a lower intelligence.

When I was going through chemotherapy, I felt powerless, alone, and lost. The simplest challenges seemed impossible, and no matter how much I fought to have a semblance of influence over my existence, it felt like it was for naught.

There are social influences that impact your existence. People tend to interact with you in weird ways, and often have unintentionally hurtful things to say. Ino frequently made comments that were strange, lacked empathy, or had ideas that were outright insane. I remember one night we were chatting and chilling outside on a cool, cloudless night. In one hand, he held his yellow lunchbox and a glowing cigarette in the other. “You know, if you think about it, I have a far worse life than you.” He said as he sucked smoke into his lungs. One day, he told me I would look ugly once all my hair fell out. But the craziest idea he had was when we tried to convince me to give him power of attorney. Many times, he talked about my disability money as our disability money, which was often accompanied by conversations about how he could not afford to pay his car note.

I spoke to others close to me about the frustration and stress of living with Ino, hoping they would help me, but each time I was told I was always angry and needed to let it go.

The challenges of living with Ino as my caretaker was more than a matter of cleanliness, ensuring that I was eating, or encouraging a peaceful home. Over time the very nature of our agreement began to change. He was supposed to be my ride to the doctor, the grocery store and other places I needed to go. He started charging me for rides. In the beginning it was five or ten dollars per trip, but his prices began to rise. At the time I was living on disability, and my money was scarce, I couldn’t afford to be paying him all of my dimes.

When we returned from the grocery store, I sat at my kitchen table to think. How much was I really paying Ino? Was he actually contributing to my wellbeing? Is this arrangement mutually beneficial or simply one-sided? After doing the math, I concluded that it was more cost-effective to have a car note each month with full coverage insurance than it was to pay him each time I needed a ride.

How to Let Go of Resentment

Is it a Step-by-Step Process?

Letting go of resentment is not a step-by-step formula. It is a process like mourning. In many respects, it is very similar to grieving a loss, especially since it can take time and requires active participation to heal.

When you have decided to address your resentment issues, be gentle with yourself and take your time. Rushing for results won’t get you to your destination any faster. As mentioned earlier, treat others as you would like to be treated. If you treat yourself with kindness, it sets the stage for you to offer kindness to others.

How Did I Let Go of My Resentment?

I am analytical, and I take the time to acknowledge and understand my emotions. Rather than intellectualizing my feelings, I experience them. When I’m sad, I allow myself to feel blue. If I am happy, I celebrate every sweet second life has to offer.

One of the most valuable pieces of advice I ever received was when I was going through chemotherapy. I was speaking to an older gentleman about my plight. I was miserable, sad, and angry. After I shared my story, I paused, reflected, and said, “I should be more appreciative, I am alive, I shouldn’t be so angry.”

He looked into my eyes and, with a stern, powerful voice, said, “You should be angry, and if you are angry, be angry. If someone tells you not to be mad, ignore them.” His advice was essential, especially at that time. Interestingly enough, it was advice about my anger toward Ino, but it was also about the loss of my vitality, strength, and intelligence.

In that moment, for the first time in my life, I was given permission to acknowledge and express my feelings. It was a game-changer that transformed my understanding of people and myself.

He wasn’t telling me to live solely by the seat of my pants, with my emotions pulling me every which way. He was reminding me that I was a human, that it was okay to feel, and when things suck, it is alright to say that they are terrible.

In no particular order, these are some of the things I did to let go of my resentment.

• I gave myself time to heal.
• I wrote about the experience and expressed my feelings about it.
• I developed as a person and sought wisdom from others.
• I reflected and chose to take responsibility for my own torment.
• I let go of my anger once it no longer served me.
• I humanized Ino, empathized with him, and actively sought to forgive.
• I found God and learned what it truly meant to forgive and be forgiven.
• I acknowledged that I, too, can make mistakes and cause pain for those I love and adore.

Humanizing Ino

What do I think about Ino’s decision to be my caretaker during chemotherapy? I think it is complicated and deserves more consideration than my chemo mind at the time could understand. Ino bit off more than he could chew. I think he genuinely believed he could handle the hardship he was about to face. Looking our paths he saw an opportunity to improve his life while helping a friend.

The first thing we need to look at is his statement about me not being safe enough to take care of myself during treatment. It is easy to condemn him for saying that, but is it fair? I don’t think it is.

People say things all the time that are throwaway comments. Think about all the crap you say all day that has no meaning or intentionality behind it. Have you ever made comments you didn’t mean, but were thoughts or fears making their way to your mouth? Is it within the realm of possibility that his comment had more to do with his friend dying than an intent to manipulate? Is it more believable to say he was being Machiavellian, or that he was just vocalizing his fears?

I could choose to believe he had a plan all along to do nothing and live for free, but that outlook is quite bleak. It is unwise to have credulity, but it is equally unhealthy to see every person who hurts us as a monster.

Even You Have Bitten Off More Than You Could Chew

Sometimes people bite off more than they can chew. We all do this; think back to a time when you thought you could complete a task, but then realized you couldn’t do it. I am sure you were disappointed in yourself, but eventually intellectualized the guilt.

We all make mistakes, do foolish things, and undertake tasks that are beyond our capabilities. Acknowledge this and internalize it. Store away this realization for the next time someone commits to something important to you and then fails. Give them the same compassion and kindness you would offer yourself. Of course, this means you need to know how you want to be treated, because if you aren’t offering yourself kindness, you won’t be able to offer it to others.

It is okay to be angry when someone fails to do what they said they would, but it must be righteous anger. The kind that serves as a tool to fuel positive change. When you act on this anger, you must do so without committing sin. This means letting go of the desire to serve a slice of vengeance for someone else to eat.

Eventually, the anger needs to leave. Living in a perpetual state of anger inhibits your ability to love, offer empathy, and forgive. It will roadblock every relationship, push you away from companionship, and lead to isolation. At its core, no one wants to be around people who harbor resentment, are bitter, and witness the world with entropic eyes.

Does letting go of this anger absolve them of wrongdoing? No, but it is not our place to eternally condemn them. At a certain point, we must move beyond it and hope they have learned from their mistakes. The root of forgiveness is hope and faith. The only life we can control is our own, and even then, our influence is limited. We cannot be the driver of someone else’s life. Stop living with would’ve, could’ve, should’ve. Instead, give it to God to sort out. Have faith that through His omniscience and eternal love, He will guide the person who hurt you toward salvation, righteousness, and peace.

Resentment Is Cured With Forgiveness

Offering them forgiveness is not absolving them of the bad things they did; instead, you are allowing your mind to file your feelings away appropriately. Yes, they did something bad, and it hurt you, but it doesn’t have to keep hurting you.

Just because you can see their humanity, it doesn’t mean you are ignoring their actions. Ino did a lot of things that hurt me, but it doesn’t mean I harbor any ill will toward him. Quite the opposite, I would love it if he were thriving in life, doing good deeds, and succeeding. The moment your jaw ceases to clench when thinking about the person who hurt you, it is the moment you are free.

Offering Forgiveness Isn’t For Them

I know it sounds clichéd, but forgiveness isn’t for them; it’s for you. Why invest time and energy in harboring resentment against anyone? All it does is burn you up inside. No matter how many times you remember them in a poor light, it is never going to affect their life.

How can I stop myself from feeling my feelings? Trying to box up your feelings in little containers and storing them in an old closet isn’t going to help you escape resentment. Feel your feelings. When you bury them, they sit in the grave awaiting the day to rise back up as a zombie.

If you find yourself in a regular state of anger toward them, think about the good times you had. If all you can access are terrible memories, then there’s a good chance you’re blocking them. If there are no good memories, why were you friends with them in the first place? If they were terrible, wouldn’t you have avoided them altogether?

If they are a parent or sibling, or someone you had to spend time with, that is a different story. But if you chose this person, you either have a terrible sense of judgment when it comes to friends, or there are some cherished memories locked somewhere in your mind. 

• If you have bad judgment when it comes to making friends, then that is an issue you will need to address. If you solve that, you will avoid resentment altogether.
• If you consider yourself okay at choosing friends, then dig deep. Search for memories that made you laugh, inspired you, or were fun. Let your guard down. If you don’t plan to allow them back into your life, it’s okay to think about the good times and remember why you loved them in the first place.

Memories of Ino

I loved Ino; he was one of my best friends. I knew him for the majority of my life, and I adored spending time with him. We shared many hobbies, laughed throughout the night, and I always looked forward to spending time with him. He wasn’t a person person, but nor am I. We don’t become friends with people because they are perfect; it’s because, on some significant level, we resonate with them.

Forgive and Let Go of Your Resentment

How do we let go of resentment? The best way is through forgiveness. We need to empathize with those who have wronged us, take the time to see the world through their eyes, and ask ourselves how we are contributing to our own suffering. Let go of the anger that does not serve you, be kind to yourself, give yourself permission to feel, and give it to God.